Суд над Бхагавад-гитой / Attempt to ban Bhagavad-gita

http://www.k-istine.ru/sects/mosk/mosk_ivanova.htm
Sects / "the International society of consciousness of Krishna"

From Krishna to the Christ

To me 24 years, christened me in 9 years, воцерковлением nobody was engaged, parents were atheists. To 21 years enjoyed life "to the full extent", in the meantime the feeling of internal emptiness and неудоволетворенности accrued. The daughter was born, and we have undersigned with my present husband. Difficulties was much, it was necessary to move from St.-Petersburg to a small town of Leningrad region and to lodge at parents of the husband. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown; everything that I appreciated: girlfriends, work, hobbies - all remains behind, and I - alone with myself, the unripe person who is not able neither to bring up the small child, nor to build relations with numerous relatives with whom I should live now under one roof. The husband worked much and was tired, and at me the despair, a hysteria and aggression to relatives accrued. I felt, how my nervous system, and health falls.

And here my cousin has brought to me a disk with an inscription of "Vedy". Has told - listen, brains rise into place. I began to listen, I liked at once the lecturer, and on all that he spoke, I inside had any response. I then trusted in something, I do not know in what. Лазарева liked to esteem, about relationship of cause and effect порассуждать. And here I began to listen greedy it and other lecturers. Names them I do not want to name, as nevertheless I respect these people, and it would not be desirable me to believe that they any morons.

After a while I have felt that already I use such concept as "God", and before considered that there is only certain "absolute". That is personal representation about God has appeared. Then yet did not connect this concept with any name. I lined the husband to listen to lectures with me.

He, the good-natured simple guy, after the first lecture has told to me: something it "the ancient knowledge" very much reminds a forbidden Tree of Knowledge... I have told: yes you that - foolish? Here, on the contrary - about God, about morals!! Also has rushed … Early liftings, kilometric areas of lectures, Vedic cuisine, hysterical quarrels with parents on a theme: to feed the child with meat or not. Later - reading of Bhagavad-Gity and reading махамантры.

There were also good fruits, with it will not argue. I became дисциплинированнее, more responsibly, have ceased to dare to make eyes at other guys. At first relations with the husband of a steel осознаннее, spiritual practice pull together us. He has ceased to drink beer, to look silly films.

So has passed two years. I decently raked over the coals to those from my friends who did not forget me and came on a visit. Listened with interest but so desperately nobody was fond - all had hobbies - study, music, love. And I breathed also a vein these lectures, these videos, books. I and my husband.

Once we with a daughter have rung out in hospital. There I in tears prayed to the Christ for a daughter. Me and in a head then has not come to pray to Krishna. Then we have left, and I have forgotten about this case.

However, it is frequent with interest listened to A.I.Osipova, metropolitan Antonija Surozhsky, read the New testament. Thought: yes, Christians, apparently, too not fools. Contradictions did not find. What contradictions? Simply Christians do not catch up that God of the Father is called Krishna, and in the rest by them class children.

Further I have read the book about Shrile Prabhupada and have like to it strong sympathy. I have decided that will suffice to be at a stop, now I will search for possibilities to visit in Peter meetings кришнаитов, to ask Krishna that has sent me the guru who will cut my false ego, to learn Bhagavad-Gitu by heart, earlier to rise, more to read circles. The determination burst forth. We have gone with the husband on meeting кришнаитов (for me the first, and, probably, the last), I was delighted with dances and an entertainment (the food offered deities). We have agreed with the husband that at any possibility we will go there. Anybody there did not approach to us also imposed nothing.

The lecturer was not pleasant - has seemed arrogant and haughty, completely not such, as those my favourite lecturers as whom I considered then as the correspondence gurus.

And further there was a following. The daughter has started to be ill. And that my sister has told to me – christen the child, do not leave it without a guardian angel. But at first, speaks, itself confess and причастись. So she has told, because knew my sinful youth and my behaviour during pregnancy.

Well, sins of a youth and me did not give rest, and I have dared at this step. To repent of the кришнаизме at me and thought was not, opposite - it seemed to me that it will be treachery, and the Christ of it will not estimate. Church books about a repentance in heresy somehow did not teach me - brains were well обкатаны.

When I have come to our small temple, there was only one-two person. All liturgy I have cried, in hope that to a confession nobody leaves. The service was conducted by the father, there was in it something extremely mild, strict and serious. I have thought, God forbid to it to confess - such it to me has seemed to the considerable. But it was necessary to it. However, fortunately. In tears and snivels, stammering, I have read the confession, and it is difficult to tell that I have tested, when he has started talking to me - in its voice was not condemnation shades, and any even fatherlike love, whether that! He saw in me the person in spite of the fact that has just heard a dirt about me more than someone! I have thought: if this simple priest such, what Christ?

I was amazed with its words and the sermon - such simple, children's, plain. It very much differed from those кришнаитский sermons which I loved and to which has got used.

In a week причастилась (in кришнаизме still did not repent). And further the most interesting has begun. At me the presents ломки have suddenly begun. And mental and even the physical. It seemed to me that my consciousness collapses. Threw that in heat in a cold, I began to cry much, panic attacks, obsessions have begun and is maniacal-depression. I still read a mantra, and also orthodox молитвослов and the Gospel. There was a feeling that Krishna has left me (and I at that point in time felt богообщение). The condition was simply on the verge психбольницы. I have decided to go причаститься once again, me заломало even more strongly and the feeling has suddenly come that these two years I was strongly-strongly deceived.

On an altar I had Krishna, Prabhupada, the Christ and the Virgin. I have cleaned Shrilu Prabhupada and Krishna. Has then put them into place. Then has again cleaned. Me "колбасило" it is intolerable. I am hardly cunning to church and without a special repentance have told on a confession about the кришнаизме. Store, My God, this father! He has not condemned me and did not begin to press in any way on me. Has simply told: the victim Christ's is great, we should understand it. Seeing my condition, has admitted to the Participle though it was felt that he doubts, whether costs.

Not at once I could refuse and these lectures, both from music, and from mantras, all pulled, then again turned inside out. Repented and причащалась. The father did not abuse me, with relief sighed, seeing that I have once again come.

Has already passed half a year. Hardly to me it is given воцерковление, oh, not easily. Even nervous breakdowns happen, but very much pulls in church.

Only now, reading the Gospel, I understand, how it is a lot of discrepancies in кришнаитских arguments. And remembering itself to воцерковления, sometimes I am horrified, on how many I have been freezed. Once has told that I am not afraid to lose anybody from relatives. Because considered itself of the restrained and executed love for God.

But now I am afraid of all and everything, even the shade. I was waited many by unpleasant opening when I have come to church. Everything that I there навоображала to itself so fell down suddenly that mum do not grieve. And the main thing - my husband still in a theme and how on it to affect? - Probably, only to pray. After all any person could not teach me. Friends speak now: we tried to teach you, but you were, as coded. For the second year of our spiritual practice we with the husband kept away from each other more and more. Emotions in my life became ever less. I did all of "call of duty", forbidding itself to "enjoy" relations with the child, the husband, girlfriends, including such pleasure by display of the lowest rough feelings. I did not notice, how I become reserved, as I divide the world into those who is cut into something and on with whom there is nothing to speak in general.

I do not want to argue on those прабху which [1] I have started to respect, and which to me seem raised people. Where they go? I do not know... But only, кришнаиты, darlings, we should not be naive and speak that we accept the Christ. The Christ has gone to bat for our sins, He has tested all horror богооставленности, has gone down in a hell to release us from death. And we consider It only as one of the guru proclaiming consciousness of God. Hardly probable we honour It more than any of the guru. Let's not be deceived.

Certainly, it is possible to tell that it is simple I did not go a true spiritual way. But if this knowledge is true, and I have simply got confused, where a guarantee, what many other things will not get confused? I do not know what to tell, I while am simple in shock.

By the way, it absolutely agree with Vitaly Pitanovym about that feelings [2] and from an orthodox prayer diametrically differ from a move-mantra [3]. In the first case is any ecstasy, flight, euphoria, разгорячение. In the second - something thin, quiet, cool, consoling.

Now I have departed from all кришнаитского, I go to church, I will regularly confess and причащаюсь. Besides it has appeared that at me the huge religious self-conceit has grown for these years, and it is very difficult to me to understand that I - a clean sheet.

I feel light in the end of a tunnel, but sometimes I understand that I need the help of the good believing psychotherapist. Unfortunately, often I hesitate to talk to priests, but rescue them My God, it is more such, as they!

I will name itself Anastas Ivanov, a name and a surname not the presents, my husband sympathises till now кришнаизму therefore superfluous scandals are not necessary to me, and the letter we name "from Krishna to the Christ".

Anastas Ivanov
LiveJournal - Vitaly Pitanov - 3/3/2010.
Notes and the used literature

1. Прабху - "mister" so вайшнавы respectfully address to the instructors literally means.

2. The mantra to "Jara Krishna" is considered in sect кришнаитов main. Кришнаиты consider that its reading will make their happy and quiet. Pitanova V. Ju's comment.

3. An audio record: Pitanov V. Ju. The certificate on spiritual experience or from sectarianism to the Christ (6/18/2009). apologet.orthodox.ru